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[Anonymous USD Student]

Personally, my high school years were some of the darkest years of my life. Freshman year was a time when I was well aware that I was gay, but I refused to admit it to myself. I would go to sleep at night and pray to wake up straight, and of course each morning I woke up feeling more hopeless once I realized that my “curse” hadn’t been lifted. As time passed, my homosexuality only became more clear to me, and as a result, my efforts to subdue and hide it grew.

I was never without a girlfriend, and when I was between relationships I would party with my friends and hook up with girls all the time. Essentially high school was a play and I was an actor. Everyday I woke up with tears in my eyes and a frown on my face, but once I got on campus, the curtains rose to my grand show. Suddenly a smile appeared on my face and the boy everyone expected me to be emerged. I was charming, funny, nice, and got along with everyone. As soon as swim practice was over though and I went home, the play was over and my parents and sisters got the brunt force of the real, disturbed me. My friends at school might enjoy watching the play, but as soon as the show stopped my family had to deal with the troubled actor. I hated my life; I hated how unfair being gay seemed, I hated how I had no one to talk to, I hated how scared I was, I hated how I couldn’t stop finding the guys around me attractive...I hated myself. I could get away with “playing straight”, but in doing so, I spiraled deeper and deeper into depression until it came to the haunting point where death seemed more appealing than coming out of the closet.

Studies show that LGBT youth are 4 times as likely as their straight counterparts to commit suicide, and sadly, my life seemed so hopeless that I almost became another number added to that statistic. To this day, I’m not sure what saved my life...but something stopped me from slipping so deep that I took my own life and it helped me grow into the man I am today. At that moment, I realized that it’s bullshit that I think being gay equates to a death sentence. I still hated being gay and I wanted more than anything to be straight, but I was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t escape who I was, and instead of running from it I would be way better off with trying to come to terms with it.

At this point, I could continue this story for pages. I could go into detail on the long, arduous process coming out was. It was filled with awkward encounters with other gay high schoolers online, my parents finding an incriminating web history, and a period where I juggled a girlfriend...and a boyfriend. But that’s a story (novel) for another day. The point I’m trying to make is one that I hope those of you that are in the closet take away: I know what you are going through. I’m not sure what stage you are at though. You might be depressed and hate life like I did. Or you might have come to terms with your sexuality but aren’t sure how to proceed. Either way...I can relate, and I’m willing to bet that there are tons more individuals on USD’s campus that can relate as well.

So please, feel free to share your story as well. For out members of the LGBT, please let us know about the struggles you faced while coming to terms with your sexuality. For the allies out there, maybe you have some stories about how you’ve helped a friend come out of the closet? It’d ease a lot of minds to hear that straight men and women are supportive of their gay friends and won’t disown us like we fear. No matter what story you have to share, don’t be afraid to spill your hearts.


Side Note: If, for any reason, you would like to send me a confidential email, feel free to send it to [e-mail]. I will be the ONLY person to receive the email, and I promise to answer any questions and help in anyway I can.



“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

[Anonymouse]

So I'm not too sure where to begin, but I guess the more that comes on this page the better. Growing up I really wasn't aware of homosexuality and all that. I was pretty clueless about it in movies and such (for the rare times it was portrayed, they were usually over the top eccentric characters who seemed un-human) and I also grew up in a bubble and didn't really know anyone who was gay. So in middle school, dealing with it was interesting to say the least. I guess it kind of started as a admiration/envious thing for attractive males. Hoping that I'd grow up to look as attractive as them. I still liked girls, but the idea of guys did entice me and I was very curious. Thankfully with the internet, I was able to find places to hear about what was going with other people and within myself.

I had thought of myself as bi until freshman year. I was at a school dance, dancing with a bunch of girls having fun. Then a guy accidentally bumped into me and I got all excited. It was then pretty clear to me that I was a full on homo. For the rest of the year, I felt completely out of place and had no one to relate to. I knew of just one other gay guy in my highschool but he was a senior and kind of stand off ish. That year was complete hell. The year before, I had received an anonymous email saying how I was gay and everyone knew it etc etc but I still wasn't comfortable with myself to accept it, and took the email in a negative way. So for 8th and 9th grade, I was thinking people disliked me and talked about me behind my back and it was all around shitty.

It wasn't until sophomore year did I meet a group of people who seemed pretty nice and kind of demanded it out of me one night. It was extremely awkward and nerve wracking for me to be asked if I'm gay and come out for the first time, but I'm so glad that it happened. It was a huge relief and the after effect was great. Everyone was cool with it, and since they knew that I was legit gay and not just a rumor, I knew they were fine with it. A lot of them told me of their own experiences and introduced me to other gay guys at my highschool that I had no clue existed beforehand.

Anyway, that'll be it for now. Hopefully this website becomes pretty big - if my school had it when I was in the closet it would have been great.

[A friend]

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
- E.E. Cummings

I think you're very brave.

[Lady J]

I think you are very brave to share your stories. I am so happy this site exists for USD's queer community. There are many of us, but we don't know each other. Sometimes I think that if every person on campus who has ever had a fantasy, crush, &/or relationship with someone of the same sex suddenly turned Torero Blue, there would be a sea of blue faces!

I know there is support, but that doesn't erase the fear & uncertainty I feel. I feel unsafe on my own campus, & it feels terrible.

[perpulman]

I was "straight" in high school. Then one day, my senior year, it hit me. I like boys. It's one thing to come to grips with that idea in your own head, but to worry about whether the people who know you and love you will be able to wrap it around their own heads. So I kept it hush hush for a while. About a month later I was talking to my best female friend. Then, very suddenly, she asked me if I liked her... well, I figured this would be a good time to tell her, especially because keeping it a secret was starting to get hard. Needless to say she was kind of in shock, but she came to and was actually a great support. She convinced me to tell all of my other close friends, who at first thought I was just playing a cruel joke on them. In time, they all came to be okay with it... actually, they quite liked it. The secret was that I assured them I was in no way a different person, I just had different tastes. I could still hang out with all my guy friends and play video games and I could go shopping with my girl friends. It was a win-win!

THEN I realized I had to tell my parents. Prop 8 was just passed and my mother had voted "yes". This had sparked huge debate in my household because my brother (who already knew) and I were against it and my mom was voting AGAINST MY RIGHT TO MARRY!!!!! My brother and I had planned on telling my parents on a specific weekend. We had everything worked out. I have the good fortune of being from a very open family, which made it a lot easier, but after the Prop 8 debates (and just the fear of not knowing what lay ahead) it was still hard to muster up the confidence to tell them.
The day had come and I was driving home from school to tell them... when I noticed a plume of smoke coming from the hills of my town. My senior year my town lit on fire 4 times and each time my house had to be evacuated. Great timing. I get home and immediately start packing. My house is chaotic as we frantically shuffle to gather our most precious belongings into the car. Meanwhile, my brother was having a panic attack (which he tends to do) and insisted I tell mom and dad "according to plan". I figured that in the middle of a natural disaster wasn't the ideal time to spring something like that on them, but before we could get out of the house and moving my brother shouted. "EVERYBODY STOP! ----------- IS GAY!". I then had to sit through 3 hours of listening to my parents tell me that they love me no matter what, which is comforting... unless a fire is hurdling toward your house.
I had it luckier than most people, but coming out is never easy. Although its difficult, I can assure you that BEING out makes coming out worth it. No more uncertainty, no more secrets, no more lies. Just freedom.

[lotus]

Up until a few years ago I never really realized how hard it was for members of the LGBT community to find acceptance. I was lucky enough to grow up in a society that was pretty open minded. My high school, though a private Catholic institution, not only had a gay alliance club on campus, but was the first one to have such an organization out of all the private schools in the area. We held a well attended Day of Silence every year, and I had openly gay friends from my freshmen year onward.

I had always heard of people who were prejudice, but it just wasn't something I had ever really experienced until one of my cousins came out. I am blessed with very open and accepting parents, so I never really thought much about how differently the rest of my family could be. My mom comes from a very traditional Catholic family and when my cousin came out, my aunt was not happy about it. When he first came out, I heard stories about how my aunt would get drunk at parties and talk about how her son was gay, referring to him as a "Phag". I could not believe it, this was her son, she was suppose to love him unconditionally. That was the first time I really saw the face of hate.

After coming to USD I realized how far reaching this hate really was. Nothing infuriates me more then knowing that there are individuals out there who do not feel safe to be themselves at USD. I wish I could tell you all that there weren't haters, but there are, I've seen them even within my own family. What I can tell you though is...
...that there is more support out there for you then you probably realize.
...that the best you will ever be, is just yourself.
...that your light is needed in this world, and only when you stay true to yourself can that light fully shine out.
...that being free from fear and stress is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.
...that you always have a friend and an ally in me.
...and that I will continue to fight for your rights, because you are all my brothers and sisters, and everyone deserves to be free and to feel loved.


Stay Strong.
All My LOVE!!!!!!

[delfina]

First of all, I'm really happy that a site like this exists. Props to the vista for running a story about it.

I'm a closeted lesbian student and I don't think anything terrifies me more than the thought of coming out to my friends and family. For some reason, I'd rather tell a million strangers than any of my close friends. My inability to share such an important part of myself with those I love is very difficult (duh, you all know that), and I often feel lonely.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how it would be so much easier to skip the "coming out" part and just go directly to everyone already knowing I'm gay. But since that won't really be an option until time travel is perfected, I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to come out to friends? I have a pretty good sense of humor, and we joke around a lot, so discussing anything serious is awkward for us anyway. Help?

Gracias!

[TiKitorch]

OMG. Do I have some weird coming out stories. I'm bi. My little sister went out with me one time and caught me kissing her girlfriend. So, I was out! She had such a big mouth, I thought she told my mom. The next time I talked to my mom, for some reason, I thought she knew. I was telling her about a date I went on, but I said, "she" and she put two and two together and I accidentally came out to my mom! Then she told me God did not want me to do that and asked me to pray to Jesus. After that, we didn't talk for years...not even an email. Finally, we ran into each other at a friends funeral. She embraced me. Recently, she invited me over and wants me to visit her church (that just happened last Saturday), but it took nearly 10 years before she could talk to me again. My dad would email me and he told me she loved me, she just wasn't good with email (I live a distance from them). Later, I met my partner. He's a man, but his family used to tell gay jokes. I finally had enough of it! They were over one thanksgiving. I made dinner. Then just as they started eating, I said I was Bi and they nearly choked on their food. There were lots of questions. Then, they sorta just paused and said, "You could be purple for all we care, as long as you love our son, your alright!" The only thing I can tell you is coming out seems new every time. Somehow, you'll develop your own way of doing it. I use the SHOCK method. I figure, if I catch them like a deer in headlights, If things look bad, I have a chance to run while they try and figure out what just hit em!

[caligirl]

This project is great! saw a link on Facebook and I'm glad this exists!
I do believe there are so many people closeted at USD and they do not know each other at all.
Everyone close to me know about me and my girlfriend. My family, her family, friends, teammates and so on.. I'm not out to my classmates though and I know couple gay and lesbien at USD but they don't know about me and I never talk about that subject.
Anyway, I am super happy in my life since the most important people around me know and approve my relationship and I do understand the struggle that a lot of people have at USD being closeted.
I came out to my friends at USD last year and before it was always awkward to talk about my 'bestfriend' and why I would not go for anyone at parties.
What I wanna say is that a whole new world open when you can talk to someone about it, it takes time but it does change your life.
I came out person per person, and actually most of them guessed and they were happy I finally did it.you never expect their reaction, I was scared about some persons and they ended up having the best reaction!

Good luck and imagine a life without lies and secrets where you just kiss your girlfriend in front of the people that matter to you!! it's priceless

[vh2011]

where to begin?a few months back i was reading the vista and came accross the article about this website. let me begin by saying that i was waiting for something like this for a long ass time now. since then, ive been wanting to share my own story about myself, but due to a lack of time, combined with a lack of courage, i waited off until now.

being gay has taught me many things. for one, i learned not to be brainwashed by the guys at church anymore. although i believe in god, i think that sometimes, those guys talkin up there trying to get people to vote for what god wants have it wrong. very wrong. being gay and learning about the gay culture online has taught me to be more accepting of myself, and of others. it wasn't easy though, and it actually took a song to get me to accept myself. my god, the power that music has over me, but anyways, i'll share my story:

so i guess i should start where i began to feel different back in middle school, 8th grade. i grew up in a catholic home with religious parents, whose backgrounds aren't the most gay-friendly. needless to say, i was sort of in the dark, not knowing what the hell gay meant, till about 5th grade ish. i never felt different comapred to other kids growing up. so yea, i easily pass off as straight. in 8th grade though, i started to feel very different. i was suddenly feeling attracted to the other guys, instead of girls. then i got my very first home computer, and thats when i realized what my problem was. it was a grave problem at the time, knowing i was in for some deep shit in the years to come. i tried to fix it by being in denial with myself, thinking it was goign to go away like the flu or a cold. it didn't, and i began to explore my sexuality online, with the usual means. soon enough, my computer got a virus, and i freaked out, thinking that i just fucked up my new computer and that my parents would find out why it got screwed up in the first place. i was petrified and i went into a little case of depression and fear i guess. i lost my appetite and what not, but that didn't last long. i sent the PC back to gateway to get it fixed and that was that, no questions asked. i guess god was lookin out for me. that was pretty much my middle school experience. then came high school

freshman year in high school i was still a bit in denial. but that faded quickly as i realized that there are a lot of hot guys in high school haha our school had this adjunct system that taught another curriculum for other students, attracting students that felt "different" from all over the county. that exposed me a little bit to a culture that i wasn't familiar with, at all. (as i explained with the type of upbringing i had) by the end of my freshman year and begining of my sophomore yr, i wanted to maybe find a potential boyfriend, so i joined my school's GSA. i felt uncomfortable approaching the meeting room, and i felt a bit out of place. i didn't really fit in with the other kids there, at all. they were different than me. i never judged them, because im different myself, but i tried to avoid them in school, which was lame of me i guess. i ended up going to this convention at my state's university with that GSA group. i felt out of place there as well. i felt like i was making progress though, i had joined and stuck with the GSA for a yr.

a quick recap of junior yr is basically me trying to find someone worthwhile... a boyfriend, with no luck. the guys that i liked (generally good lookin dudes that look straight) were not in the GSA and therefore not gay, and if they were, they hid it pretty damn well.

senior year is basically the same story, with me venturing into other avenues (mainly online) trying to find that special someone. i got a bit lucky and met up with two guys (not at the same time lol) over the course of that year. i felt a bit unfulfilled because in the end, i didn't end up with what i wanted, a boyfriend. i could have, but the fact that i was goign to college was a main factor in having one of those guys call it off.

now that ive played the USD game for a year, i can say ive come far from my humble beginnings. i haven't quite gotten to be fully comfortable with myself just yet though, which i plan to change. i actually went to a PRIDE meeting, the very first one, and i felt nervous there. not that i didn't fit in with the crowd, they seem like a friendly bunch. it was the fact that im not out as of today, and as a first year, i didn't want to be labeled as gay for joining PRIDE. i didn't keep going, although i wish i did now though. luckily i still get news from the mailing list haha but anyways, California is much more accepting than the east coast, and i like the fact that there are avenues for us college students to pursue if we really feel comfortable with our sexualities. the truth is though, im still not fully comfortable with myself. yea, there's hillcrest, and it seems like a potential great place to meet great people, but the mere fact that its considered the gay sector of town makes me feel awkward when i go through it. needless to say, i dont feel weird writing this message. and it makes me happy to know that im not alone here. that there are other students like me struggling with their own sexuality.

to end off my huge story haha i'd like to thank the creator of this page, its fucking awesome and you should do something more to promote it, because im sure there are more people out there that need another avenue to find comfort. this is my comfort zone, and it helps me on my way to trying to get PRIDE to be my next comfort zone this coming september.

[wh]

I've gotta say when I read the first part of your post, vh. I thought I might have blacked out and posted on here and not remembered, or something. Pretty much my exact experience. Unfortunately, I didn't have GSA in my school, or any real support system for that matter. Hell, the one kid who did come out only did so his Senior year and lost one of his good friends because of it. We were a small school in a small town and everyone knew about it (not exactly a "come on in the water's fine" kind of moment).
But I just want to post and say hell yeah! Seriously man, you do you. I wish I would've had the courage to come out a long time before I did, because the fact is there are so many people there waiting to support you. I had no idea how awesome my family and friends were until I finally just told them the truth. But it's not easy, as we all know. It's really, really hard. But it gets easier and the less I've learned to worry about 'what ifs', and all that bull, the easier it's become. I'm essentially done with my USD experience, but I couldn't be happier to see that the tide is turning for people at USD who don't quite fit into the normative sexual structure (big 'college words' you soon will learn).
So keep on keepin' on and don't be afraid to hit up hillcrest, it's a blast!

Now to share the type of sappy shit I love to dabble in late at night:

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon "Yes"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

THE INVITATION by ORIAH MOUNTAIN DREAMER


Marinate on that for a minute.

[Anonymous USD Student]

I started this forum on a whim last semester with the vague hopes that it would help just one other student at USD navigate this painful road of self-discovery and self-acceptance. I'm SO pleased and warmed to see that many others have utilized this forum in that way. I may be a lost, wandering soul struggling to come to terms with myself, my sexuality and my place in the world...but I'm part of a community of lost souls wandering that same path together!

Big thanks to vh2011 and wh for recently posting on this forum and reminding me that these issues we face won't be going away with the summer beginning. I'm motivated to working on this forum and dedicated to getting it out there so that more students and faculty members at USD can benefit from it like I have. There must be hundreds of men and women on our campus who feel lost and alone. But those of us who have come out and are beginning to come to terms with ourselves can vouch: support certainly exists for us! Our insecurities and fears just blinded us from the love and acceptance that surrounded us.

To everyone on this forum, I love and respect you all for being strong enough to recognize that everything about you is innate, beautiful and something to be proud of. Instead of letting the world get us down, let's come together and start to raise each other up!

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”