I don't fit the stereotype...

[straight]

So I saw this forum on Facebook and had to check it out...and not gonna lie, it's pretty awesome. I'm assuming it's a pretty new thing and that's why not many people use it, but I hope it catches on...

I would leave a long personal story like whoever the boss is who started this...but even writing down stuff that I'm not ready to admit is too hard for me. I try to not think about these things as much as I can. That tends to be the only way I don't get depressed.

And here's what get's me so depressed...I don't fit the stereotype at all. Not a single person around me suspects anything about me and I like it that way. But here, I guess I can admit it; I think I might be bi, or gay, or I don't even fucking know. But the point is, where are the guys that act normal? I don't mean to be rude...even though that's what might come across. But it's tough to grow up surrounded by the frustrating portrayal of gay guys as flamboyant faries who like to shop, dance, etc etc.

obviously not everyone is like that. I'm not. and I know other people out there must not be. But WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?!

So here's my question. Where can I find them? Am I the only one? And are they all scared to start figuring shit because of the same reason as me?

[123]

I am a feminine bisexual female.

I do not fit the butch-dyke stereotype.

I love the same things as all my straight girl friends, and I know for a matter of fact that when we all go out and party or are walking on campus...no one would be able to point me out for being bi...unless I had already come out to them.

Sexuality doesn't define you. Although sometimes when one is in the closet it can seem that way, sexuality is just another characteristic that adds (NOT subtracts) to your personality.

I feel for you.

Not being the stereotypical "gay" guy or "lesbian" woman is hard--there is no doubt about it. I am struggling with that same issue...but accepting yourself or your feelings for someone whoever they may be is a step in the right direction.

There is no need to rush into anything, or coming out soon unless you are ready...every one is on their OWN path--and although its hard, no one else's pressures should push you one way or another.

As for finding "normal" guys... as cliche as it sounds--there is no such thing as normal. However, I think I might be able to relate in not finding a feminine bi or lesbian...lucky for males, it is much easier to find masculine guys (if you are willing to search a little further). I have several gay guy friends that are masculine and do not fit that flamboyant gay stereotype. Although you may not know they are gay/bi it doesn't mean that they are ashamed necessarily, but that they are just masculine so people might not know right away.

Voicing your frustration in any way is a start in the right direction. You are NOT the only guy asking this, and there are girls in the same situation. Unfortunately, heterosexual guys and girls can just go to a party or meet one another in class and almost always find a date because in our society it is "normal" to be straight. It is not less normal to be bi, questioning, or gay...it just takes more effort, strength and patience to find people who share the same ideals...but in the long run is totally worth it!

Hope this helps-and try and stay as positive as you can. Know that whenever you need an ally or anything you can find help through LGBT resources through the Center of San Diego, on campus or through me!

[greg]

Have you come out and told people about yourself? I'm assuming from your post that you haven't, but I may have misunderstood you. But here's what I think is the problem. I definitely know where you're coming from and what you're talking about. The only gay people that you see around are those who are a bit more flamboyant and are very much out. But the people who aren't as flamboyant tend not to come out, and that's why no one knows of them. Coming out doesn't mean you're going to wear tshirts saying "I <3 cock" or wearing high heel shoes. It just means that your close friends know you like men, and that's it.

So your problem is that you cannot find 'normal' gay people. But assuming you're not out, you're doing exactly what every other 'normal' gay guy is doing, hoping for someone else to come out. I don't want to come off saying everyone needs to come out, but hopefully through anonymous sites like these it'll be easier for people to know that there are other like minded individuals out there on campus.

And as for those more flamboyant individuals, at times I feel like it's a bit ridiculous, but honestly, it takes balls. They're constantly coming out to every single person just by being who they are - which I know that's something I wouldn't be able to do.

[AverageBro]

I'm in the same boat. I'm a pretty masculine guy - enough so that people are surprised when I come out to them. I had, and still have, the same feelings as you regarding where to find "normal" guys.

I joined PRIDE, which exposed me to a couple guys that don't fit the flamboyant stereotype. But just as there are masculine gays, of course there are lots of flamers too. Before I came out I resented all of those guys, I think mostly because they really had no need to come out - they were already obviously gay. But after participating in PRIDE meetings and getting to know everyone, I've come around and really been able to embrace what the different personalities have to offer.

But still, the problem exists that it seems next to impossible to find gay guys that blend with straight guys. To be honest, I'm still searching. Being out has made the search easier - every once in a while "straight" friends will let signifying words/cues slip, sometimes guys will come out to me in complete secrecy (I still haven't told anyone about one guy who came out to me 2 years ago), or sometimes knowing that my homosexuality is accepted in a group makes guys more willing to be out around me and my friends. But being out isn't always an option...

I would definitely suggest going to PRIDE meetings, although they might be a little high key if your'e trying to keep your sexuality under wraps. Another good resource is Safe Space Allies. There's a huge list of professors, RA's, and students who are interested in helping students like you find your "place." It's also completely confidential, so only the person you meet with will ever know anything.

My final piece of advice is simply that coming out could be the best thing for you. I know it was for me, but I don't know your family/friend situation. Once I came out, I could finally take advantage of the support from friends and family. I stayed closeted for the longest time because playing straight was easier than coming out (at least that's what I thought). I experienced the depression, self loathing, denial and hate. You can only let these things eat at you for so long before they really start to mess with you, though. I hope you have a close friend here who you can come out to - at least one person who you can speak openly with and not feel the need to maintain anonymity with.

I hope this helped at least a little bit.

And one last thing: Keep an eye out for guys checking you out or making gay eye contact with you. You'll start to realize that there are way more of us than you might have originally thought. A good place to practice this is Aromas. I feel like it's a homo hotspot on campus.

[Anonymous USD Student]

Thank you SO much for turning to the USD Closet Project as a place where you can get some answers! We can all relate to the frustrations involved with coming out, and as you can see, we all have found a way to help ease that burden.

To echo what others have said before, there are actually a surprising amount of ways in which to reach out to our little community on campus. PRIDE meetings of course are one way, but from reading your post I can already tell that's not an option. You and I are very similar my man. I don't go to PRIDE meetings for the same reason. Not because I'm embarrassed about their organization (they are growing by the day and turning into one of the most respected and well-known groups on campus!), nor am I embarrassed about my sexuality. I don't attend PRIDE meetings because I'm still a little too scared to be so open about my sexuality. I can't help but worry about what complete strangers may think if they see me walking up to the meeting room (pathetic, I know).

Therefore, I think you should search down a Safe-Space ally that you trust and could possibly feel comfortable talking to. I know that's a big step and may be a little too terrifying right now, but their training has prepared them to help deal with men like yourself and me who are desperately searching for guidance while still retaining our anonymity.

But those are just ways in which you can start to get a hold of your depression, help ease those frustrations that stem from the negative stereotypes floating around, and even explore this side of your identity to a greater extent. My guess is that you're ultimately looking for something else? You want to find a guy. You want that real, exciting, nerve-wracking feeling of meeting someone who you're attracted to. And come on, you want to hook up.

Join the club!

It's hard for guys like us to find...well, guys like us. Most of us are still in the closet and probably will continue to be until after or college. And unfortunately, many of them will continue to be in the closet until way after graduation as well. I guess my recommendation would be to do what I'm doing. Wait until that golden age of 21 when you can go out and explore the LGBT community to its fullest. Now, I'm not promoting going out, getting drunk, and having one night stands (or am I...) . But I do think that once that age hits, so many more channels will open up for us to meet all sorts of gay guys. You might not find the guy of your dreams at a bar, but the friends you make there could end up having friends who turn out to be that guy.

Ultimately, just be positive and know that life can be frustrating as hell, but no matter how hopeless things may feel right now, you never know what the future will bring. It's scary and annoying as hell to feel alone in the world, but we're young and have so much more to experience in this lifetime. Hang in there. Soon enough, your time to shine will come.

[straight]

Wow...that post was written when i was in a pretty intense state of emotion and i'm actually really surprised that people took it to heart. i'm moved, i didn't expect anything like that at all. honestly, i didn't take this forum seriously

thanks for the advice everyone. you all have your own shit to deal with and took the time to help me out...i really appreciate it. i know this is something i'm just going to need to come to terms with. and to be honest, i think the thing that was pissing me off was that i was frustrated seeing all of my friends hook up with girls while i just have to watch and wish i could get something out of it like they could. i guess ill just wait till im 21 like the moderator said. hopefully by then ill be a little bit more comfortable with everything and i can start to make sense of things

but still, lets be real everyone, its annoying as hell that guys (and girls i guess) at USD are all like me. those of us that dont fit the lgbt stereotype are terrified to come to terms with ourselves so we stay in the closet...just wishing that one person would come out so that we could gravitate towards them and i dont know, find support i guess? this is not a healthy thing to have to deal with. i wish our campus was different in that way, if only i just knew who was in the closet like me

[Viral]

If I recall correctly, you and many many other people have mentioned wanting to know who else is out there in our community but don't really want to go to a pride meeting since you don't want other people noticing. Perhaps there could be some other place/time/event where we could take advantage of to realize that we're not alone. I've heard about some discussion group that the school does but I'm not sure if that's as bad as a pride meeting or even worse. Does anyone know more about it? I think I saw a flier about them ages ago so not too sure if they still exist

[ey]

First, I can totally relate. I don't fit the stereotypes either and for a while was really frustrated by them. But I realized, after meeting some awesome gay people, that the gay stereotype is just like any other stereotype: bullshit.
Second, as far as coming out, it's super fucking hard to do--I thought I was going to puke on the first person I told. But I've found that most people don't care if you're gay and will probably think more highly of you for telling them. Plus, they'll probably introduce you to other (sexy) gay people.
Lastly, if you're not hot on PRIDE, there's a confidential discussion group that meets bi-weekly. It's low key, informal, and there's free pizza. Just email this lady: [e-mail] . And ask for details about the Tuesday DG. Again, it's confidential and the pizza is free.

PS
whoever made the comment about Aromas being a 'homo hotspot' should win some sort of prize for funniest shit i've heard all day.

[Tikitorch]

Dear friend. Yes, not fitting the stereotype can really make life screwy. I know. I am a Bisexual Gender Queer person. What the hell does that mean? Well, it means I am attracted to both men and women...mostly women. That's the bi part. The Gender Queer part, well that took years to figure out! I identify both as a man and a woman. I am fairly feminine. I have long hair, wear make-up, but high heel shoes... not so much. Some days, I feel like a guy in a dress! Other days, I feel like a woman. I don't look like RuPaul or Chastity Bono, but I am as much a Trannie as my other Trans Peeps. How do I know this? I identify with them. I know what it's like to be uncomfortable in my own body or depressed that I don't have facial hair like other guys, but I am in a woman's body. I don't want to cut off my breasts or go through gender reassignment, because I know I am a woman, but I also know that I'm a guy, it's just that you can't see it by looking at me, but HE IS IN THERE! So, I said all of that to confuse you! No, just kidding. Where are these people that don't fit the type? Well, they may be in the closet, like you. I found other Gender Queer people after I came out. I spent time with the Trans community and found a few more people like me. Those people might be at the LGBT Center at a "coming out" meeting. They may be someone you heard about on campus. As I have become more active in the LGBT community, I have found more people that don't fit the type. Their there Honey! I went to Lips one night and one of the Drag Queens was a bisexual man. He looked really good as Mary Blige, but he wasn't gay. I thought all Drag Queens were gay... I sat down with him and chatted a while. Nice guy, in a dress. I think the reason the LGBT symbol is a rainbow is because we are a colorful bunch. You can't put us in a type. We have blues, blue greens, turquise, and gray blue. You might not fit the type because you are a beautiful hue of some color on the spectrum of light that makes our community FABULOUS!

[takeaction]

So i'm looking back at this site from last year. Back when it was introduced in the Vista it looked like it was going somewhere. So I guess this post is a bit off topic when compared to the other posts above this one. My point is, closeted USD students have a website to go to (this one), we need some one to bring awareness to it again this year, and make this bigger. I'm sure there are more of us out there. What do you guys think?

[Anonymous USD Student]

Thank you SO much for your post! As I'm sure everyone at USD can relate, I have been a bit busy with the excitement and stress that the beginning of the school year brings. However, I'm still a huge advocate for this forum and believe that the USD Closet Project could prove to be an incredibly valuable resource to many students. Keep your eyes peeled for some of my attempts to market this forum and encourage our peers to join this supportive community.

[takeaction]

Sup everyone, hope you all had a good semester and are enjoying your time with the family. I'm still curious what the plans are for this forum. No one on campus seems to know about it.