Out of Place

[Seven]

I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve with this. In actuality, probably nothing, I just want to get it out there. I'm just tired of feeling completely different.

I've gone through three years here in college yet I really haven't found/discovered/ or become comfortable with myself. I feel like if there's any moment in my life to do it, it ought to be now, before it's too late. Whenever I'm with people, I'm in a constant state of paranoia, wondering if they'll find out about me, if they care, what they're thinking at that exact moment. Over and over again. I feel like I can't make any genuine friends because of it. For the longest time I was excited to turn 21, thinking it'd unlock a whole new world and friends, but it hasn't. I don't even go out anymore. Anytime I'm out I'm stuck in this heterotopia where everything is based off of sex and heterosexuality. I'll be at a club or bar and everyone around me has just one goal: to hook up with someone. I'm tired of feeling left out and isolated because I'm not part of that. I'm not saying that it's terrible to want to hook up, hell I'd love the opportunity. But I'm trapped between so many things that I can't just do whatever I want. Is it so wrong that I get annoyed being in this 'straight' world? I just wish I wasn't in locations or situations where it's expected of me to be straight. Every person I meet has the first assumption that I like women. I'm just hoping for a time where I don't panic and start sweating when someone asks if I have a girlfriend. Is that an opportunity to come out to them? Do I know them well enough? Do they know me well enough? Are they just going to leave once I tell them this? Insult me? Shun me? Feel embarrassed that they had assumed otherwise putting both of us in an awkward situation?

The whole stress of it freaks me out and I'm just hoping I could find like minded people and feel comfortable once. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous USD Student]

You're different. I'm different. Shit, every single person who's looked at this forum is different. That's why we need each other, and that's why I'm responding to you as a friend and as a man facing the same battles as you.

As I'm sure you're painfully aware of, it's hard to be different in the world today. It's especially hard to be different like the way you and I am. We can hide that part of ourself that makes us different from everyone and attempt to play it off like we're "normal", that we're like everyone else.

But FUCK that, aren't you sick of feeling the pressure from your friends, family, even strangers, to be someone you aren't?? Sorry for the swearing, but all of the questions you asked were ones that I struggled with for YEARS and I know that that pressure became so overwhelming that it almost took my life. It's hell to have to worry if everyone will judge you, or whether or not your true identity will result in awkwardness, insults, or straight-up hatred. But there's no hell that burns hotter or with more intensity then the psychological hell of keeping your true self a secret.

I guess all I can really say to you is this: if you're waiting for the right moment to come out, you will be waiting your whole life. If you're in the closet and nervous about coming out, I know how your train of thought will work. You will run through a thousand different scenarios and situations...but everyone will have some flaw that will keep you from coming out! Haha, it's the sad truth. When I was in the closet, I literally had so many "perfect" moments to come out to a friend or one of my parents, but I always had a "reason" to convince myself the moment wasn't right.

In response to feeling left out, do you know any gay guys or girls? Even if they aren't a good friend, they could be an incredibly valuable resource. Just being able to talk to someone, ANYONE, would be unbelievably comforting, trust me. Plus, maybe you could find a buddy to join you on Hillcrest for a night. Small steps at a time, you can start building a comfortable community around you made up of people that know you (the gay you!)

I hope you read this and realize that there are others just like you out there. And we aren't somewhere else in the country...we walk the sidewalks of Marian Way just like you. When you look into the eyes of a stranger passing you in the hallways, don't assume that this person would shun you because of your sexuality. Instead, imagine that person is one of us, with another set of tired eyes overwhelmed by the same secret as you.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

[TiKitorch]

First off, to my Out of Place friend, I have to say, "Awwww" in the sweetest most "mother like way." Really, someone needs to just let you know that you are loved and understood. So, first of all, I do not know you, but I understand you and I love you for just being honest, open, and vulnerable. I may not know your true identity, but just with what you posted, I know your heart and that is the most important part of you. I appreciate your honesty and love your soul. I'm sorta a "mother" of the gay community.

There is a poem that I absolutely love. I want to bless you with this poem because it will give you hope and strength.

"Do It Anyway"

The verses below reportedly were written on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta, India, and are widely attributed to her. The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

From my heart to yours,

Honey, the world may seem against you, but LIVE your life anyway. CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY! Most of all, lack of authenticity causes stress. If you feel stressed out, it is natural, because lack of authenticity causes a lot of stress.

All of us are at different places of the "coming out" or "closet" process. Be you, where you are most comfortable. Both situations are risky. If you stay in the closet, you risk your own happiness and authenticity, if you come out, you risk love and acceptance. As you take those chances, you will develop your own voice on what works best for you. I do not judge you in either situation, because I stayed in the closet for almost fifteen years and have only been out in the last ten years.

When I was ready, I risked everything. I lost family and friends. Then I gained new family and friends and have recently reconnected with my "lost family and friends" as an out person, but it took a ten year process.

As you embark on your path, know that there is someone out there that is sending love and positive energy your way. Secondly, The Center in Hill Crest has programs for "coming out" where you can get support and meet people.

Be blessed and know that you are loved. I love and appreciate you and I KNOW that your life is going to turn out just fine. You will be blessed...I just have a feeling that it seems really tough right now, but the sun is going to shine for you soon. It's going to be alright.

When I was in your shoes, someone told me that too and now it's more than alright. I have a wonderful partner, a great life, and lots of love. You are going in that same direction, I feel it.

Be blessed. Much love.

TiKitorch

[Girl]

I know exactly how you feel...it is really annoying. You don't want to make it this big deal but you have to or everyone assumes you are straight. It's kind of isolating. But I guess all I can tell you is that I've felt so much better whenever I've come out to anyone. If you make it off that it's not a big deal to friends sometimes it works. But then you have to wait for it to come up. I don't really know what I'm saying. I guess just that you aren't alone in feeling that way.